So, I haven't blogged in a long time, but you will be happy to know that I am returning!  HOORAY!  So much has happened that I'm not even sure where to start.

God is teaching me so much right now.  I have recently lost what I thought was everything, only to realize that in the process of that loss I actually gained everything.  I drifted far from God and found myself trapped in a relapse.  I was able to pull out by the grace of God, my parents, and my friends and mentor.  I learned so much through the experience that I wouldn't trade for anything.

I am learning how to live a simple life.  Do I NEED an iphone, or a mac computer, or anything fancy that the world tells me I need?  No.  I mean, let's be real; I want those things.  I want an iphone (I love the little typewriter noises it makes when you text) but, frankly, I have more important things to focus on right now.

Such as, where in the world is God calling me???  I wish I knew the answer.  I have searched everything from small coffee shop jobs here in Florida to a human trafficking ministry in Hawaii.  I refuse to box myself in.  I am at the perfect age to enjoy my freedom and follow Christ with complete abandon.  I am wanting to take advantage of my single, late twenties life and give it all to God.  I'm not really afraid anymore.  Part of that is my parents reminding me to just breathe and trust God, and the rest of it is that I am actually doing just that.

So, here we are.  I'm feeling a lot like Indiana Jones when he had to step out into that giant cavern onto the invisible bridge that he wasn't even sure was there.  I don't have that middle age sexiness of Harrison Ford or a cool whip and hat, or let alone awesome theme music.  But I have God.  And that's enough.

debbie downer

I woke up this morning and had all these complaining thoughts running through my head.  Then I started to pray and I felt like Jesus was standing on the other side of this chalk-line drawn on the ground.  On my side of the line it was boring and depressing.  On His side He was celebrating. There were people all having a party around Him.  He had a glass of wine in His hand.  He said, "Hey, which one do you want.  You can stay there but it's way more fun over here."  I started to step over and He stopped me and said "Oh, by the way, you have to leave complaints over there." So I agreed to it and I ended up having some really fun and intimate time with God after that.

It's been on my mind all day.  How much do I complain?!  But it seems like complaining is just a part of our culture.  If your DON'T complain, people get annoyed with you.  Everyone wants you to be just as negative as they are.  It seems that the times I try to respond to negativity with positive truths, the other person gets super offended or people tell me I'm unrealistic. 

I heard Graham Cooke say once that if praise and thanksgiving are the worship of heaven, then what do you think complaining would be worshipping?  Think about THAT for a while.  Scary, huh?  I'm just empowering the enemy by agreeing with negativity.

I then began to wonder if Jesus ever compained.  So I read through the gospel of Mark at work this morning.  And guess what?  He DIDN'T.  And come on, Jesus had PLENTY of reasons to complain...Disciples that were airheaded at times and stubborn, people always wanting to kill Him, the pharisees always trying to bring Him down, wearing sandles in the desert...all of those things seem pretty worthy of complaint.

So then I looked up the definition of complaining. 

complain [kəmˈpleɪn]

vb (intr)

1. to express resentment, displeasure, etc., esp habitually; grumble

2. (foll by of) to state the presence of pain, illness, etc., esp in the hope of sympathy

 

The part that stood out to me is the motive in the second part..."in the hope of sympathy".  What is our motive behind complaining?  Is it because we want others to feel sorry for us, because we want that attention of having someone say "oh, poor baby, she has a headache..."  I mean, how lame is that?!?! 

 

I just think it's time to take a look at our motives behind why we say things, and think about the atmosphere we are creating.  I personally want the atmosphere of the Holy Spirit to continually follow me around, and I'm not creating that with complaining.

 

And even if you try to stop complaining and people say you are unrealistic about things, so what?  I mean, if you wanna talk about unrealistic, let's look at the crazy wonderful things we all believe in.  It is unrealistic that I can lay hands on someone and they get healed, but it happens. 

 

So, I would like to invite everyone into a new revolution, the revolution of happy.  There is a party waiting for us on the other side of that chalk line, and Jesus is there.  So we can just drop that heavy baggage of complaining and join the party.

 

SOS

This is not a cry for help.  SOS is a new term that I am praying out for my life.  It stands for "spirit of sustainability."

On new years, Landon and I got words for each other that were for the entire next year.  His word for me was sustainability.  I took that as a type of challenge, like this word was the new expectation for my life.  I thought this meant I was expected to be reliable in all things and not make any mistakes, not look back, always be spiritual on-cue.

Last night I stayed up late talking to Noah and confessed how this word has become such a burden in my life.  Noah explained that I have been looking at the wrong definition this whole time.  I looked up sustainability today and this is what it says:

SUSTAINABILITY: to “maintain", "support", or "endure”.

Well that is totally different than what I thought!  Those are all things that I can do!  It reminded me of such a cool word that I got this year from Derek. He found the word fortitude and the definition and printed it out for me and I keep it on my bathroom mirror to keep it in mind.

FORTITUDE:

Strength of mind that allows one to endure pain or adversity with courage.

The ability to endure hardship without complaining, despondancy, or murmuring.

 

I think both of those words go together so well.  It really encourages me to remember that I have the ability to choose how to respond to a situation; I can be offended, hurt, or hopeless.  Or I can choose to believe the truth of what God has said.  And if God says these words are who I am this year, then I recieve that SOS!  I also would like to share.  Anyone else want some?  You got it!  I bless you with it!

LOL

Ah, yes, the infamous "lol" that we all type without meaning it.  I probably actually laugh out loud 20% of the time that I type it.  That's right; I am a fake lol-er.  I confess the truth.  But I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one.

But I have a positive use for laughing out loud that I have incorporated into my life again.  It is an old jedi trick that my sensei taught me.  (Aimee Roof, props to you on this one...)

The other day I was meeting with Stacie, my accountability partner, and we ended up taking a look at a lie that I have been believing my whole life.  It was one simple lie that I believed at a very young age.  But that one simple lie has twisted and darkened so much in my adult life.  Once I asked Jesus what the lie was and what His truth was, it was one of those lightbulb moments of my life.  I was so happy and relieved to see the truth that can now untwist and light up those parts of my life.

So, here is the big secret of success that I am going to share with you.  When you hear a lie in your mind, LOL at it.  I'm not kidding.  Try it.  Aimee taught me this a while back.  We would say lies out loud that we had been believing, then laugh ridiculously loud at the lies.  It works.  Once you say something untrue out loud and laugh at it, you realize how silly it really is.

I'm telling you, laughter is like biological warfare against the enemy.  He hates it.  I try to live my life with a lot of laughter, which is easy considering the goofballs I live with and do church with.  But I think it's important to really take the initiative to laugh at those things that Satan tries to throw into your path to mess you up.  Here are some examples, just to make sure you really get this:

thought: "No one thinks I'm pretty."  response: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
thought: "I won't be able to pay rent this month." response: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
thought: "everyone just saw me pick that wedgie and they are judging me." response: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

See?  It's super easy!  I do recomend not doing this at the grocery store, but the car is a great place.  The bus works too...people wouldn't even give you a second look on the bus.  So try it and enjoy the new freedom of having fun while pissing off the enemy.

storm vs. sanctuary

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a boat in the midst of a storm.  Everybody feels that way from time to time.  When things get too chaotic around me, too stressful, I tend to just sit back and not make a decision. 

But not making a decision is deciding to stay in the storm.

I am caught between storm and sanctuary.  I am on the waves, the wind pushing and pulling, the motion of the waters disorienting me.  In the distance I can see a santuary.  It's a small place, well lit, and bearing the storm without even noticing.  If I look hard enough, squint my eyes, I can see that it is occupied.  I can see Jesus inside. He is unfazed by the storm.  So even if I choose not to choose, I have chosen.  I will choose to remain in the storm.

So I weigh my options.  The sanctuary looks so warm, so safe, and I know others who have taken up permanent residence there.  I however, seem to have never really been there for long enough to fully understand what it means to live there permanently.

The storm is abrupt, unforgiving, and often makes me wonder if I am moving or standing still.  But I know this storm.  I know the chaos, I know how to survive it, adapt to it.  It is comfortable in all of it's awfulness.

This leaves me with the question: do I WANT to adapt anymore?  Do I really want to remain in the position to allow the storms, the changes outside of my control, to rock me and disrupt my journey?  Or do I want to just go to the unknown, the sanctuary, the place that is immovable.

I know He will wait for a long time.  I know He is patient.  I also know He wants me there, the invitation having been extended a long time ago.  No one can make the choice for me, or you, or anyone.  I suppose it's the choice that is the catalyst for other choices...Do I choose what I see or what I hope for?

We all end up in the same spot, stuck between storm and sanctuary.  I guess the point is I don't want to just survive anymore.  I want to flourish, and I want to do it with Him.

richard simmons

I'm watching my friend Sarah do a work out video right now.  I like to consider myself morally supporting her as she works out.  The work out instructor is some blond lady who makes every move seem super sexy.  I don't how she does it.

It makes me think of Richard Simmons.  I love him.  I could do his videos all day.  I don't know if it's the gay attitude, the awkward hair and clothes, or his general joyfulness.  All I know is, I want Richard Simmons to follow me around all day.  He could encourage me through everything.  I began to imagine what it would be like to have him as my little life coach.

"Ruthie, you can file those papers!  I believe in you!"
"Ruthie, it's time to get your awesome self out of bed and face another amazing day!  Come on!"
"Ruthie, I know you can parallel park this car without hitting the other ones.  I know you can do it this time!"

Just the thought of having Richard around all the time makes me smile.

The good news?  I got something better.  I have the Holy Spirit.  I'm not really sure what Holy Spirit looks like, whether it has the afro and wears spandex.  Who knows?  All I know is I have a choice every second of every day of which voice to listen to.  So I could either stalk Richard until he agrees to be my life coach, or I could just turn up the volume on the voice that not only encourages me, but always speaks the truth.  How cool is that?!

gardens

I had a dream last night that was really cool. 

I saw an old man on his knees in a garden.  He was hot and tired and kept pulling up weeds, getting more tired and aggravated with each one.  Then, another man walks up.  It was what I imagine Jesus to look like.  Jesus got down on His knees next to the old man.  He used His sleeve to wipe the old man's sweat from his brow and just said "I'll help."

The old man watched suspiciously as Jesus rolled up His sleeves and reached down and began pulling up the weeds.  The man finally said, apologetically, "I only have this one set of gloves..." holding up the gardening gloves he was wearing. 

Jesus never looked up from His task, but He smiled and said "Oh, I don't mind getting my hands dirty." Then He looked up at the old man, winked, and went back to work.

I woke up after this dream and it took me a while to go back to sleep.  I have never felt so full of love for Jesus before in my life.  Even now, as I write this, I am so happy with the love inside me that is turned towards Jesus.  How beautiful a man, how kind a savior, and how humble a king! 

It was a wonderful reminder that I am not alone in the weeding process of my life.  It feels like I am, but this dream reminded me that He loves each of us so completely, and His love is not a tidy love.  It is a love that gets it's hands dirty and loves us through the dirt.  Can it get any better than this?!